When I was younger I had a dream. I dreamt of an enlightened world led by the wise and tolerant. In my dream-world everyone had access to food, health care and education and we all worked together to make a great today and an even greater tomorrow like a great big pile of stoned-out-of-our-tree hippies.
My dream began to crumble when I watched a roommate of mine charge headfirst through a window. This one moment stands out very clearly in my mind because it was one of the first examples of pure unrefined stupid I had ever personally observed. Up until that moment I couldn’t fathom the idea of someone actually standing up and logically justifying running across the room and smashing their face through not one, but two panes of glass. Admittedly alcohol was a factor in the incident.
I moved out of that house shortly after, partly because the level of stupidity was reaching critical mass and partly because while I was away for a weekend everyone else unexpectedly moved out and stole most of my shit.
Later in my life I was presented with a bottle of ‘Sweet Nuclear Jesus in a Tutu’ over proof rum. This stuff smelled like burning tires and tasted like battery acid. On one fateful bender my best friend and I decided to break out this bottle of liquid Hell and proceeded to drink it in shots with Pepto Bismol. The next morning I helped my best friend clean the puke from the walls and discovered that even partially digested Deathrum makes for a fantastic paint remover.
I could probably think up at least a dozen more stupid things I have done or witnessed, including lighting myself on fire, realizing that I had lit my pants on fire, deciding what I was in the middle of doing was more important than being on fire and finally completing what I was doing before putting the fire on my pants out.
You may think these are very stupid things to do, and they are, but for the most part they are justifiable. The friend that ran through the window was upset about a girl, the lethal rum was a result of running out of hooch after the liquor store was closed and the self-immolation was because I was finishing a critical weld at work.
Stupid people are everywhere friends, and chances are you maybe know a few yourself. Here are a few examples of painful and baffling stupidity in it’s most raw and terrifying form.
BenchfuckerThis man fucked a bench.
“According to reports from Hong Kong, the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench…”
Thinking it would be fun to fuck a bench is not an acceptable explanation, and the reason it is not is because there are no justifiable reasons to screw publicly owned outdoor seating. Mr. Xing may be lonely and disturbed but he is also a moron.
I would also like to state that the entire army of paramedics and doctors that attended to Mr. Xing are also dolts because they spent hours trying to save this man’s penis and he is still able to breed. The situation could have been solved with a pair of bolt cutters and an angle grinder.
Saad Khalid (2 links here for your pleasure)
Saad Khalid is a young man who got caught making bombs and pled guilty to plotting to blow up landmarks in downtown Toronto.
I believe his plea of guilty means that the only reason he didn’t knock over the CN Tower was because he got caught. Saad’s lawyer has recently appeared before a judge asking for a meagre two year sentence for his little terrorist client using the He’s real sorry and it won’t happen again defence. This may work if you get caught fucking a bench but when your crime is conspiring to terrorist up downtown Toronto on September 11, 2006, a date selected “so it will be remembered forever,” telling the judge that being in jail is “pure hell“ and asking to come out of your room now is not acceptable. You sir are a fucking fool of immeasurable proportions.
My bad.I hope the judge in this case orders Saad to be fired from a cannon into the most remote corner of Greenland for confessing to wanting to blow up Toronto and expecting some kind of mercy. Actually Saad, his lawyer and anyone who sympathises with him should all get strapped onto the next rocket to the moon, or the north end of Winnipeg.
getbehindjesus.net BelieversThere is not a string of expletives long and visceral enough to throw at you if you look at this website and truly believe that Jesus has appeared on the bunghole and ass-fur of a fucking terrier named Angus.
If you do, for the sake of humanity, feed yourself to the nearest carnivore because there is no fucking way you can explain to me why Jesus H. Christ, the son of God Himself, would choose to manifest himself at the tail end of the digestive tract of an animal that is known to gleefully eats feces. If you believe this is a “bona fide miracle” as the website suggests, remember that God created you in His image, assface.
People like these make the world retarded. For anyone who was offended by it’s usage here is the definition of the word.
re·tard·ed (rĭ-tär'dĭd) adj. 1. Often Offensive - Affected with mental retardation. 2. Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed.While it is often used as a vulgar word I had no intention on using it in such a way. I was simply trying to state that there are people out there that are slowing us down and that those of us who don’t fuck furniture and worship anuses would fare much better if we weren’t surrounded by the millions of retards that do.
The Misanthrope
