Things I Hate: Commercials on the Internet

Wasn't that fun?

A few days ago I was browsing a certain blog dedicated to the fails of mankind and I tried to watch what I believed would be an amusing video clip of a moron doing something stupid and permanently injuring himself. Good times for all!

I clicked the video and was presented with a commercial for a shit light beer that I would never drink on purpose.

The only exception to that rule being, of course, Guy Rule 43, subsection 12e.

"As a man you may NOT criticize the house beer (hereby referred to as Beer of the House) while at a social gathering. You may however whine and bitch about the temperature of the Beer of the House if it is not to your satisfaction. The Host reserves the right to call you a Nancy-Boy and kick you square in the cajones and tell you to bring your own damn beer next time."

Getting back to the point, watching a 30 second commercial before a 22 second long video clip annoyed me to no end and imagine my surprise when I clicked on another video only to find that I had to sit through the exact same commercial once-a-fucking-gain.

I made a choice there and then to boycott this website I had formerly enjoyed and decided to Stumble around the internet for a while. I came across a video called How to Ruin X-Box Live and decided to watch it.

Watch this and prepare to be amazed...

Why, I ask, would someone interested in watching a funny pixelated video about the half-brained, Epsilon-Minus, sub-humans that lurk on X-Box Live be in the market for the product advertised beforehand? (no offense to real gamers of course)

It boggles the mind and just thinking about it is giving a small aneurysm right here in my living room.

The Misanthrope

EDIT: No I do not actually know what Amy Winehouse's pee tastes like.

Things I Hate: What is iPad?

I often regret having cable television. Unless I'm watching hockey, death defying crab fishing or Mantracker there is fuck all on. Even if I do feel like tuning into something the commercials that make up 30 minutes of every hour of programming make me want to stab something... anything really.

The 'What is iPad' commercial in particular makes me so furious I worry about having a stroke and the inside of my head exploding all over the living room walls and my expensive tv.

For those of you who may not have seen it I present it to you now.

iPad is shit.

Now, as an unwilling participant in a miserable, capitalist, free market society I try and play nice and give all companies a fair chance to hawk their crap to me and to some extent clever advertising will influence my purchasing decisions.

For example, I have switched to Old Spice Bodywash because I too want to smell like I am on a horse holding two tickets to that thing you love.

Getting back to the iPad, the first thing that infuriates me are the first three lines of spiel.

What is iPad...?
iPad is thin...
iPad is beautiful...

By this point in the advertisement I can guarantee that I will not be jumping on this iWagon. The commercial begins by asking a legitimate question; what is this iPad thing I've been told I have to buy?

Instead of giving the slightest bit of a hint of what the stupid thing actually does it answers itself in the most superficial way imaginable, by calling it thin and beautiful.

Oh boy, for only $600 bucks I have have something thin and beautiful. My fuck is it shiny too?

Thin and beautiful are not the most important qualities of the electronics I buy. I want a Toughbook because I can use it outside in the rain and drop it down the stairs. I bought a PS3 despite the fact it looks like the monolith from 2010 and causes my shelving unit to sag under it's seemingly impossible weight.

You know what I think? I think this commercial, or at least the first 15 seconds of it, was ripped off directly from a craigslist, 'casual encounters' ad posted by a non-english speaking transvestite named Tibor.

Think about it...

Imagine a lonely advertising executive at his desk. It's three in the morning on a Saturday and he's tired, unshaven and half drunk on the bottle of cheap scotch he keeps in his desk. He's surrounded by story boards, mock-ups, shitty indie music and scripts but nothing seems to work, nothing seems to sing iPad...

Frustrated he flops into his chair behind his desk, takes another swig of coffee and another belt of scotch and boots up his computer. He's decided he needs a distraction, something or someone to take his mind off of looming deadlines and target markets.

He makes his way to craigslist and checks out the casual encounters section. After a few minutes of browsing the ads he comes across an ad for a transvestite named Tibor. He quickly reads, and then rereads the ad with excitement.

"This... This is pure magic!" He shouts enthusiastically

He's done it! He's got the perfect commercial! Filled with new found purpose and vigor he copies the advertisement and gets to work.

This is what he copied.

what is TIBOR? - t4m - 29 (tibor)

what is TIBOR?
TIBOR is thin
TIBOR is beautiful.

TIBOR go anywhere and last all day ;)

There is no right way or wrong way baby. TIBOR is crazy powerful. ;)))

TIBOR is magical, you already know how to use it?

xoxo

TIBOR

TIBOR

• Location: downtown
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 999999999

I only hope Tibor got a cut of the profits.

In closing the iPad and the What is iPad? commercial can bite my shiny non-conforming ass.

The Misanthrope